Can you visit me?  Kahit sa panaginip lang….

Oh, to be carefree again!

Tangled in a web of mental clutter and chaos, deafened not just by the outside noise but also by the relentless mental chatter, drowned in the to-dos and overwhelmed by the must-dos, I escaped life, momentarily, not only to save myself, but more so to live life.

And in that fleeting silence, where deadlines held no power and expectations lost their grip, I began to breathe again—not just the automatic breath of survival, but the slow, conscious inhale of the presence.  I sat with the stillness, awkward at first, like meeting a stranger I once knew but had forgotten how to greet.

Thoughts still came, but I watched them pass without clinging.  Some wore masks of urgency, others whispered guilt.  I let them float.  In that space, I wasn't what I had to do.  I wasn't what I failed to finish.  I was simply here—enough, for now.

And maybe that was the beginning of truly living—not in the escaping, but in the return.  And perhaps that was all I ever need.  For now.

04.2025 ︱ QLD & NSW, AU

Heaven Knows (This Angel Has Flown)

I was meaning to write an open letter to you, but then I came across this one online which mirrors what I feel and what I have in mind.  And so I'll just share this but first, happy 80th birthday to you!  You're a man of action who love this country so much you're willing to risk your life for it noong una pa lang.  Ang hirap mahalin ng Pinas, sa totoo lang, so I couldn't quite grasp your profound love for our country and for that, saludo ako sayo.  Sobra.  No wonder why we, most Filipinos, love you with the same ardor.

*************

Dear Sir PRRD, 

Today, many tributes and kind words will be written about you—not only because you are an exceptional person and an outstanding leader, but because you mean so much to so many of us.

For decades, you have become an icon, a symbol of hope and justice for law-abiding citizens who long for peace and security, safe from the criminal elements that once plagued our streets before your leadership.

Many false narratives have been written and spoken about you, but nothing can change or erase the personal experiences of ordinary Filipinos with you as a leader—from your time as mayor, to congressman, and finally, president.

At times, it might have seemed easier to surrender to the well-funded propaganda machines, but when we see your frail body and the effort in your steps, we are reminded of your unyielding spirit to fight for the Filipino people.

You threw caution to the wind, boldly calling out a government riddled with corruption, despite the risks involved. 

Your resolve and courage ignited the attention of a nation that had grown complacent, stirring them to notice that, over the past few years, we’ve been in a downward spiral.

You saved a nation on the brink of falling back into the control of the communist pests you had once rendered powerless.

Then, they took you from us—disregarding your health and the illegality of their actions, driven by greed and intoxicated by power.

Your 80th birthday would have been a milestone—a celebration you had always wished to share with your family, your grandchildren, and all the children from the orphanages and charitable institutions that you hold dear.

Sir, those who have worked closely with you carry a different kind of pain today. If only those who criticize us could have experienced what it’s like to work with you, they would understand that you are not just a leader, but the gentlest, kindest, and most humorous person in any room.

Losing someone like Rodrigo Duterte is incredibly hard because you are a rare combination of intellect, humor, and kindness.

As your staff, we can only cherish the good and happy times we shared with you. But, as your favorite passage from the Bible says, there is a time for everything.

Today may be a quiet and simple birthday, but wherever in the world we are, our celebrations will turn green in your honor, sending waves of joy, love, and healing your way.

Please accept our collective hug as we wish you a Happy 80th Birthday, Sir. We love you so much. 

*************

Prison Break

It maddens me to have the other countries try the only president who, in my existence and in most people's opinion, truly served my country.  They just don't have ANY right not just because of the jurisdiction but also because they have NEVER tried living here in my homeland even for just a short span of time, and experience firsthand what it really is like to live here.  All they can see are the news and the evidence that will be presented but they never felt how it is to be always on guard when you're out in the night.  They never felt the frustration and hatred of how the government system works here, not to mention the health care system too.  The corruption is just too much it's making me dislike my own land.

So PLEASE, heavens, bring home the person who made us feel safe and protected even for just a time.  If truly the end doesn't justify the means, just let him be put on a trial HERE.

And to you, Sir.  Hay.  Naiiyak talaga ko.  My heart bled for you SO MUCH I cried myself to sleep on that night of March 11 when you were forcibly taken away.  :((  Since then, wala na ko ginawa before I sleep but to search for any updates about you.  Nahihilo na ko sa puyat.  Every time I go online, ikaw na lng hinahanap ko.  Ang saket ng puso ko talaga pag naiisip ka.  I know, hindi mo naman ako personally kilala pero bat ako nasasaktan din ng ganto?  :( Sana makabalik ka na here, sa lalong madaling panahon, nang buhay at maayos. :((

Minsan, naiisip ko na lng din si Michael Scofield.  Gusto ko hanapin na lng din sya.  Papatulong ako sa kanya at itatakas kita jan.  Haha.  Huhu.

Midnight grumbles

Hindi ko makita ung big picture….

Ayoko na magwork.  Napapagod ako.  Ung utak ko, parang nagbubuhat ng isang drum.  Andaming iniisip.  Andaming kelangang isipin pa.  Andaming kelangang gawin.

Gusto ko lang muna walang iisipin.  Gusto ko lang muna matulog, magpahinga, yung wala talagang iniisip na trabaho—mga isang buwan, or tatlo, or isang taon—pero kumikita pa rin para pambayad ng lupa, pagkain ng limang tao, monthly dues….na hindi nagagalaw ang savings.  Pwede ba ung ganun na lang?  May ganun ba?  Ganun na lang sana.

Eto pinoproblema ko samantalang si ex-PRRD naaresto at 79 y/o!!!  Parang biglang nawalan ako ng karapatang umiyak.

The Promised Land

 "....to a land flowing with milk and honey"

"Have faith."

"We can do it!"

"...for I will be with you whithersoever thou goest"

Exactly what I needed to hear. 🙏

Close to YOU

Last weekend, a song I knew from eons ago—like 3 decades and more— suddenly popped up in my mind.  So I went to YouTube to listen to it while folding the newly laundered clothes.  It surprised me how after 3 decades of not hearing the song, I still knew EVERY WORD of it—that I was able to sing along without even pausing to recall the lyrics.  The words just came out effortlessly, like it's as easy as ABC.  

 

To think that I couldn't trust my memory anymore, sometimes, since I keep forgetting some things that just happened and even some lyrics of some more-recent-than-3-decades popular songs I memorized before.  I guess it's true that the heart remembers what the mind forgets.  This song, I'm certain now, was absorbed by the heart.

 

 

CLOSE TO YOU

Tricia Amper

 

I need to understand

Your perfecgt will

Your perfect plan for me

In my life, my Lord

Help me to be strong

Lord, I need to know where I belong

Stay with me, I need to get back

 

Chorus:

Close to You

I’m so afraid to walk alone

I’m needing You

To carry me and make me see

That You will always care

 

Lord, I have lost my way

But now I find myself

I’m here to stay with You

To serve You more, oh Lord

You’re the one I need

If my life is all that I can give

Take it, Lord, I need to get back

 

(Repeat Chorus)

 

 

PS.  But why did it have to make me cry buckets while repeatedly singing my heart out to it while driving on my way home?  Or is it just the hormones?

Selenophile

Talking to the moon
Tryna get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Ah, ah, ah
Do you ever hear me calling?
(Ah) oh-oh-oh (ah), oh-oh-oh (ah)

Life with Magz Series: Motorcyle Accident

Yeah, got into accident with a motorcyle.  There were 2 people on it––both men.  Hay.  It was a shocking experience 'coz I've been really careful especially with motor vehicles and bikes, 'coz they're not protected.  They have no shield.  Anything that could happen, bodies na nila ung makakareceive ng impact.  What I'm really ultra thankful for was that there was no incoming vehicle when we crashed and they fell, 'coz if there had been, I dunnoh what I would've done.  Baka bibisitahin na lng ako sa kulungan ng mga kamag-anak ko though I wasn't entirely at fault.  

HAY.  Hay tlga.  Thank You, Lord, for being there and still protecting us despite the accident.  Thank You we're still alive.  Thank You that the motorists were fine despite some scratches and bruises.  Thank You we're all good in the car––the newborn, Lenlen who just gave birth a couple of days ago and her husband.  I've been quite reckless, I admit.  I also don't know why I always drive like I'm in a rush and for that, I'm partly at fault.  But they shouldn't have been there, yet they were.  Why did they have to overtake when I was going to take a U-turn?  I signaled, but they said I didn't.  If only there had been a CCTV.  Hay, Lord.  I don't care anymore whose fault it was.  What's important is we're all safe and alive.  THANK YOU.

Oh, and yeah, thank you blogspot.  With you, I can share things I'd rather not tell the whole world.  With you, I can tell stories I want to hide from socmed.    With you, I can "hide" yet still be open just the same.  I dunnoh if you get what I mean but yeah, thank you.

THANK YOUUUUUUU!!!

“Kawatan” Indeed

So today marks our Autumn in Europe trip.  I’m currently here in Marhaba Lounge in Dubai, waiting for our connecting flight to Amsterdam.  Funny how I managed to sneak my way to the lounge without my actual Priority Pass.  Ninja moves for the win.  😄  Dad would’ve called me “kawatan” again had he been with me.  Bad girl!

P.S.  First time I noticed this Journal app in Iphone so yeah, got curious and tried it.

Sept 7, 2024

Wonderwall

🎵 There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. 🎵

7 years ago

The gentle brush of the wind on your hair and skin.  The rustle of the leaves as the wind whispers.  Birds chirping.  Dogs barking.  Oh, the little things that liven up a small-town girl.

Whut?

Real love.  Shall it keep you?  Or shall it let you go?

Wake Me Up When September Comes

Days whizzing past me by so fast I just woke up one day easily getting tired of work and things when it feels like it was just yesterday that I could easily and tirelessly juggle 5 balls at the same time.  Now I tire faster, and as hard as it is to admit, get pissed faster as well.  Aging sucks.  Big time.

These past months gusto ko na lang talagang maging Disney princess.  Hahaha.  So I wouldn’t have to work.  Kaya lang Princess Sarah ang achieve na achieve ngayon.  Yung panahon na wala na syang tatay at kelangan nyang kumayod para mabuhay. Ganern! 

Hay.  Sobrang pagod lang siguro tlga eto I need to rest.  If only I could just wake up when September comes,  I really want to skip the 1st half review and 2nd half planning, the hustle-and-bustle of Cisco's quarter- and fiscal year-end and the planning again that comes after.

Oh, boy.  Can you just wake me up when September comes?

You = Me

You. You who always want to fix the broken but ends up getting broken yourself. 

You. You who have learned too well by now. 

You. Oh, you. Can I just say that I'm proud of what you've become?

"We're only gettin' older, baby

And I've been thinkin' about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there's nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you"

Life with Magz Series: First Ticket

The inner lane.  That's where you'll mostly find me when I'm in the streets.  It's the fastest way, and I have little-to-none patience when it comes to driving.  And that short patience somehow scares me.

Anyway, I went out on a public holiday to submit documents.  As usual, I was taking the inner lane, even though there was no traffic.  Little did I know that at the end of the flyover were policemen working on a holiday, catching motor vehicle (MV) violators using the bus lane––which happens to be the inner lane in some parts of the metro.  It was too late to change lanes; they already spotted me, plus there's a blue MV to my right blocking my way.

So there.  I was issued my first violation––disregarding traffic signs (with notes at the bottom that read: unauthorized passing of MV through busway)–with a penalty of 5k.  Crap.  5k for a first offense.  Crap again.

But maybe that's a good thing 'coz I've been inclined to live a life where I can brush off minor rules because I know I can almost always get away with it.  And this is a good reminder for me that there's a price to pay for not minding them.

That changed my perspective.

But, I dunno, I guess the heavens love me too much it still kinda worked in my favor for I was only asked to pay 1,010 when I was retrieving my license.  Lol.  I guess the staff didn't read the whole violation and so what's put on record was only the 'disregarding traffic signs,' which costs only that amount.  

I never thought I'd be this ultra grateful for someone else's lapses.  Hahaha.  To that encoder, you just don't know how thankful I was for your mistake. 😁

To Magz, cheers to your first appearance in a public video.  Lol.  But sorry just the same that it had to be that way.  🙈😁

No worries.  I learned my lesson. 😁

Every Now and Then

I think that the worst is through 
I'm almost over you 
I guess it was just a matter of time 
I've started going out 
How long can anybody go without 
Before you start goin' out of your mind 
Even so, I confess 
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MY HEART RULES OVER MY HEAD

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then 

Morning's the hardest time 
I wake up dreamin' 'bout you and I 
Some days I can't remember them all 
Evenings are painful still 
I can't help wondering if they always 
will be 
I can't help noticing this emptiness- 
baby 
I don't cry, every night 
Just the ones when I feel like I feel tonight 

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then 

When I'm alone anytime I hear music play 
When I reach, reach for the phone 
Why does everything good 
Make me think of you baby 

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then

Paradox

Sa pagpikit nitong mga mata ko lang kita nakikita.  Doon lang.  Hanggang doon lang nga ba talaga?

An Allegory of the Sweetest Downfall

I was safe in the harbor, enjoying the peace and quiet, until the waves started calling me.  I listened intently, everyday, to the waves singing tunes that were sweet to the ears.  Songs I yearned to hear.  I listened, oblivious of the fact that I was falling in love with the sound of it.  So I drew nearer and nearer to the waves, bare feet kissing the foam and loving its feel.  So I kept walking towards it with the water turning ankle-deep, then knee-deep, waist...on and on I went.  It was when the waters had reached my neck and the waves had started to choke me that I came to my senses and remembered one thing—I don't know how to swim.  Fear encompassed me.  But I LOVE THE WATER so I tried to stay, despite the struggles and all.  Until that time I became tired staying afloat.  One can only take so much.  The waves nearly drowned me.  The struggles became harder and harder each day I had to go away.  To free myself.  The waves withdrew, too.  I took a step or two backwards, 'coz I had to, each day,  'til I was back in the safe harbor.

The love for the water is still there, yet no matter the love, I couldn't stay in the water forever.   

So I just look at the water and the waves from a distance.  I guess there are things that you can only love just from afar. 

October 27, 2017

Yet again

Oh, the journey that seems forever to take.  Will I ever reach the end of the road which is also the beginning of a new one?  In this lifetime?