missing me

oh my. i used to be a blogger. i mean, a certified blogger that updates constantly. just writing about everything and anything. even the mundane details and things that really don't matter. now what? i can't even write about the major events and important things that are supposed to be noted. my drafts are slowly piling up. when will they be published? or will they ever be? the busyness is not really the issue. it's about my writing skills. i'm not that good at all a writer but the one that i have has somehow ebbed. and it saddens me. coz i've always wanted to write. it's one of my favorite outlet. sigh.

i miss the jing of the "The Sands of Time (Part I)". i miss the flow of thoughts, the way of writing, the passion, the heart. where is she now? seems like there's not a single trace of her here. maybe it has something to do with the site? maybe she's more at home with the first one? the place where she was born? so maybe she left her heart there? i don't know. i really don't know. and i just wish that i know. i'm starting to sound crazy here and i'm not sure if anyone feels me.

oh god. i really miss the way i write before..... :( whatever happened???

'twas gone with the wind but.....

after yesterday, i realized that i haven't completely gotten 'round yet to....doing it. but i would like to think that i'm getting there. hoping against hope that i can.



"sa panaginip na lng pala kita maisasayaw....."

and after yesterday, i got the above and the following pics after doing a li'l photography using just my camphone. it may haven't captured much but good photography, after all, isn't really about capturing the perfect scenery through the lens of a top-of-the-line cam, ayt? actually it's the other way around. it's all about how the picture captures the heart of the viewer....how it converses with him. anyways, my subject for this urge to shot? some kids out in the street, my cousin, sissy and me.




apparently, the professional camera that i'm dreaming to have, i have yet to save enough to finance it. :( hopefully this year. hopefully.

spell ImPoSSibLe

the dreams that i will never achieve...the "sky" that i will never reach :(

- owning a Leica M-series camera
- to travel the world
- to have a biological brother
- be a popular professional singer (or be just a plain good singer)
- to be a fashion/ramp model
- have not just enough but lots and lots and lotsa $$$ (!!!)
- have the body akin to Charlize Theron and the lips like Alicia Silverstone's
- be an actress, a good actress
- to fly like a bird, soooo up and awaaay and to be so freeee!!! ayus! eenjoyin ko ang sky...ang lamig ng hangin sa gabi, ang kagandahan ng paligid sa umaga. pupunta ko sa lugar na gusto kong puntahan, lilibot, lilipad, nanamnamin ang pagdampi ng hangin sa king katawan. ahhhhhh....sarap! (wag lng sana kong tamaan ng tirador! haha)

"nais kong lumipad
tulad ng agila
at lumutang-lutang
sa hangin
magkaroon ng pugad
sa puso ng kagubatan
ngunit ito ay panaginip lang
at maaaring di matupad.."

-- joey ayala

dialling line wut???

calling the wind of change.....pls blow in my direction. pliiiiiis!

wHeN tHe GooD TurNs BaaaaD

whatever happened to the country's most prestigious beauty AND brain pageant? i am not a gramatically perfect person myself, i don't wanna criticize, i understand what this pageant does to the nervous system, but just the same, i am just any other person that loves to laugh. :D oye, i always laugh at myself too, if that helps. :D

anyways, here's the Q&A portion of the crowned Bb. Pilipinas World '08 herself.....
(sidenote: a good laugh at someone's expense is not good at all. then again, there is also the word "but," isn't it? i know i will be traveling on a guilty trip after by posting this, BUT.....)

==========
Paolo Bediones: Janina, how are you?
Janina San Miguel: I’m fine.
Paolo Bediones: Alright, so you won two of the major awards - Best in Long Gown, Best in Swimsuit, do you feel any pressure right now?
Janina San Miguel: No, I don’t feel any pressure right now. *smiles*
Paolo Bediones: Confident! Alright! Please choose a name of the judge.
Paolo Bediones: We have Miss Vivienne Tan.
Vivienne Tan: Good Evening.
Janina San Miguel: Good Evening.
Vivienne Tan: The question is, what role did your family play to you as candidate to Binibining Pilinas?
Janina San Miguel: Well, my family’s role for me is so important b’coz there was the wa- they’re, they was the one who’s… very… Hahahaha… Oh I’m so sorry, Ahhmm… My pamily… My family… Oh my god… I’m… Ok, I’m so sorry… I… I told you that I’m so confident… Eto, Ahhmm, Wait… Hahahaha, Ahmmm, Sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever b’coz I’m only 17 years old and ahahaha I, I did not expect that I came from, I came from one of the taft 10. Hmmm, so… but I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you.
==========

my say? i guess they have this (sense of) humor factor which eats up the 70% of the criteria? hehehe. omg, i'm so sorry....flease porgive me. lol. no offense. :D

"SpeCiaL"

i just wonder why some people just can't give more or extend compassion on persons we consider special. not the "special" in terms of heart matters but the "special" as in special child. i mean, why do some people get easily irritated by the "special" ones when the latter make a fuss over some petty thing, when they overreact on certain issues, when they misunderstand what we said, when they commit some mistakes due to misunderstanding. don't they more deserve further explaining than giving them a cold shoulder or a roll-of-the-eyes expression?

why can't some people see that they are so blessed they didn't turn out to be "special" and that the least they can do is to treat those that are with extra patience, extra compassion, extra love, extra everything? that we are to treat them specially because they deserve it, they need it, they crave for it. why.can't.they? sigh.

there are a lot of things we've taken for granted, a lot of blessings we cannot see. i guess all we need is just to open up our eyes more to see more. and then widen up our minds to learn to appreciate and value when we see one.

OnE FiNe DaY

i so love how the morning went this day. it's one of those fine mornings that make me smile and deeply breathe the air. the breeze was cool. the sky was filled with patches of clouds which were highlighted by the sun...and the way the clouds absorbed the semi-brightness of the sun was just perfect enough, making them look like luminous patches of white objects scattered across the light blue sky. oh God, You definitely made this morning just perfect.

i wonder if there were also other people who appreciated what i was enjoying on my way to work this morning. there's something in that setup that told me that this is going to be a one fine day, if not a perfect one. i dunnoh if it's just an intuitive feeling or if it’s the nature’s way of whispering this thought to me. anyways, arriving at the office, i found a pair of white sunglasses sitting on my desk. wow, wow, wow! it didn't actually come as a surprise though since i had asked ate ana, my officemate, to buy me one since she was going to bangkok. but i also told her to not exert much effort and invest time if she couldn’t find one that fits my description. so i wasn’t expecting, just merely hoping. so i was overwhelmed finding it on my desk. thanks so much, ate ana! mwahz!




(the one at the back wearing a pair of spectacles is ate ana herself. the shades is her pasalubong na to me. she didn’t let me pay it! yaaaaay!!!)

one fine morning. i hope that the rest of the day will turn out to be fine as well.

ahhhhh, i love this day! :)

pahabol:
i just had a call from my SC. still turns me on. dang! and after putting down the receiver i unconsciously sang this line: “i was dying inside to hold you. i couldn’t believe what i felt for you. dying inside, i was dying inside. well, i couldn’t bring myself to touch you.”

oh yeah, i soooo love this day! :) TSUP! :*

one unforgettable night

a dinner with a filipino lawyer who understands so very little of the filipino language

equals

nosebleed!!!

reminder: next time, date only those who can understand your own tongue (di ba, jam?!). lol!

feb-ibig

here comes this month again, the month of love, when couples are more loving with each other, more caring, more thoughtful, more intimate. when sons and daughters show more affection and sweetness with their parents. the time when people share a piece of love even to a perfect stranger, when people are a lot kinder and/or in a lesser evil mode. :D 'tis the time when flower shops are filled with eager buyers, when cards are flying everywhere.

love indeed is in the air, so strong that you could almost feel its presence. february = feb-ibig (as kapamilya put it so).

so i took this opportunity to share to my officemates the great love of God for us. i gave them tracts, to share the gift of salvation. my dad received one as well plus an I Love You heart with a stick attached to it.



message written on the heart: "sending you GOD'S LOVE this Hearts' Day....because i care. >jing :)"

Happy Hearts' Day to everyone! <3

locked up

there's just so much inside me waiting for release....

jan 31: jaded

why do some people lie? why they'd rather make up stories then give those dang excuses like 'cuz they don't want you to get hurt or don't want you to get mad or something? i hate lies. i absolutely hate lies. and no matter how "caring" and "concerned" those excuses seem, well, sorry, i just don't bite 'em.

i know that we're living in a fallen world. but still, it just pisses me to know that the person who think of me as her "bestfriend" lied to me. how could she??? and it just saddened me to realize that it somehow marred the friendship we've had. of course i can forgive. who am i not to? but that instance kinda affect the way i see her now.

she's still my friend. ambabaw naman kung hinde na noh. pero kung mababalik pa ba uli the way i see her before, that i don't know yet. time will reveal.

still a lifetime away

they often say that how you start the week got something to do on how your whole week will go. and most of us consider monday as the first day of the week. so like when you arrive late in your office on a monday, most likely is that you'll be late on the succeeding days as well.

anyways, my experience so far this week didn't prove that. my monday was a blast. a whole lotta fun and story-sharing. dj, a very close friend back in HS, came back from Au and we had a little get-together. me, ar, dj and rj. we weren't able to contact the others. anyways, we spent dinner at grilla then coffee at starbucks afterwards. my close friends often say that im a camwhore, makulet and madaldal. and as the saying goes, birds of the same feather flock together. so what you guys would expect of dj? hehe. get the point?

so the camwhores did some pictorial galore, not to mention chikka galore. haha.





thanks dj for the time, treat, stories and great company. thanks also rj, our official (and patient) photographer. hehe. thanks ar, for sharing the night with moi.

we shared stories til 1:20am, parted at 'round 1:30. got home at 2:15 and slept at 3am.

then came tuesday. still sleepy from the night before. work, work, work and more work. i was in the robotic mode again. ung antok na antok ka pa, blangko ang utak pero tuluy-tuloy pa rin sa pag-work. kabisado mo na ang gagawin kaya ung kilos mo e automatic na. parang de-susing robot. ganun.

then came the uwian, yahooooo! and then there he was, the avid su!+0r. again. i wasn't in the mood to talk. i just wanna rest. i wanna be alone, for the first time. and yet there he was. argh! siguro kung type mo rin ung tao, matutuwa ka pa. stress reliever yun pag ganun. otherwise, dagdag stress lng. so i was moooore stressed on the way home. i don't wanna go into details why kase mare-refresh na naman ung memory ko of that uber stressful day.

so opinion ko na lng muna. mabait naman sya eh. and serious into "this" thing. pero mahirap lng siguro tlaga na diktahan mo ung puso mo kung ano ang dapat nitong maramdaman kung wla naman tlgang nararamdaman. di ba?!?! you can't force yourself or tell your heart to "feel something" kung zero naman tlga. kalokohan un! malaking kalokohan. so i told him that i can only offer friendship. willing naman daw sya maghintay, he'll take it step-by-step, blah-blah-blah...

e pano kung walang mabago sa feelings ko? pano kung ayoko din tlgang may mabago? i don't wanna settle with someone i have no feelings for just to say that im in a relationship again...at umasa na baka may tumubong feelings eventually. ewan ko nga ba kung pano nagagawa ng iba un eh. ako kase hinde. hinde ko kaya.

im happy being unattached and somehow the contentment being not in a relationship scares me. in a way. kase naiisip ko na baka masyado kong makuntento and maging masaya and then i'd end up a spinster someday. but i'd really rather be like that than to wake up in the morning beside the person you still have to learn to love. gosh! ampanget naman na love story nun noh. can't even call it one. kase ang love, nararamdaman, hinde iniisip. emosyon at hinde knowledge na kailangan mong i-absorb. pero that doesn't mean pa rin na pag nag-love ka e di ka na rin dapat nag-iisip ha. ibang kaso un.

pag nagmahal ka, puso yung pumipintig. pag utak yung pumintig, hinde love yun, malamang nag-eexam ka lang. haha! lol.

the clock is ticking and yet my dream seems still like a lifetime away. hay....pressure.

break it to him gently

if someone you have absolutely no feelings for, as in no nothing (like i said "walang kilig," "walang kaba"), is sort of courting you, how are you supposed to treat him? be the snob-and-kinda-mean person that you usually donned back in college (to turn him off) or be the nice person that you really are?

how are you going to break it to him gently when he's not even asking you how you feel? how can you even say that friendship is all that you can give without sounding too assuming?

if he's only your type, the setup would definitely be an A-okay. if you have even a little spark, the meetings would be something you look forward to. but what if it's not?!?! damned not?!??

haaay, i hate hurting other people's feelings. consciously or unconsciously. i love people making happy. i love making them smile. and if only i could always make them feel that way....

CHRISTmas '07

my very own specialized christmas cards....and the effort (and pains) invested for each.

may ganung ugali lang siguro tlga ko na when i give cards/notes to special persons or those that are close to me, gusto ko personalized. pinaghirapan. pinag-isipan. pinagtuunan ng pansin. binigyan ng time. maybe because i feel special when i receive such and so i also want them to feel the same way? that i want them to know how special they are to me? that or is it just that the frustrated "artist" in me wants to be freed?

-

anyways, i made specialized cards for my officemates that i'm close to and took pics of the final outcome. here are my top picks... (note: below are taken from a camphone only. mas maganda ung color in actual, syempre. :D)

and the complete set....

i sent to some a message that spelled out their name. while, due to lack of time and the headache that was about to start, i made one message for the rest. a message that relays the essence of Christmas this time.

-

"amidst the grandeur of this season - the colorful decors, the gift-givings, the preparations and all - may we never forget the birthday celebrator Himself: JESUS CHRIST. May we all spend this holiday with Him, even the days after. He loves you so much that He offered His own life. merry, merry CHRISTmas! much love, jing"

ung concept ng card, di mahirap isipin. ung messages for them, medyo nakakapiga ng utak ung message na ini-spell out pa ung names nila. pero ang pinakamahirap tlga e ung pagsunog ng katol sa sides ng paper. sakit sa ulo dahil sa amoy, sa kamay dahil sa paso, sa paa dahil sa pag-upo sa sariling binti. almost 5 hours ko sinunog ung 11 sheets of paper. 4+ grueling hours!!! beat that!

CHRISTMAS '07.

we went to La Union, me, ar, len and my dad, and celebrated the Christmas there. first time na wala kme sa house. baguio was not as cold as i had expected it to be. parang mas nagchi-chill pa ko sa office. but the thing that makes baguio better is the breeze. sa office kse, walang breeze. at masyadong OA ung pagkalamig ng aircon ha. di na rin nakakatuwa minsan. haha.

snapshots in baguio:

seeing the homeless sleeping in the streets and the beggars asking alms made me feel sooo blessed, thank You, Lord, but at the same time sad. my heart just goes out for them. hay. di bale, sabi naman sa bible e mas malapit silang mahihirap sa puso ni Lord e. that's too much a consolation though. para na rin silang nanalo sa sweepstakes nun, in a major way.

we went home on the 29th. and attended a Christmas party later that night of the same day. grrrabe ang traffic!!! exagg ha! OA! pati gifts na nareceive ko din e OA sa dami! haha!

this year would have been a perfect year for me. everything sailed smoothly. except for the misquote that amounted to a total of Php 280K. and i can blame no one but me. lesson learned: never, NEVER quote undocumented. you'll never know kung sino ang nagkamali. so kahit di ako sigurado na ako ang mali, e inamin ko na rin. kase in the first place, dapat di ako nagquote ng wala pa kong black & white na nareceive na quote from supplier. kahit gaano pa katindi ang pressure na binibigay ng sales para hintayin ung quote mo. kahit gaano pa sila nagmamadali at fina-follow up ka na. kahit ano pang piga ang gawin sayo. HUWAG.

what's good though in this case was that it happened during this season. di naman ako napagalitan o nasigawan. the spirit of christmas was still in the air. although alam kong talagang nakaka-down naman din ung bagay na un. i felt so helpless that time. so guilty. seeing my superior and our pm ironing things out when it was MY fault. MY own gawddang mistake. iniyak ko, oo. binitbit ko ung bigat ng feeling, oo. nadala ko kahit pano nung bakasyon. and it'll take a matter of time for me to feel all alright. really alright. sabi nga ng avp namen, "tao lng naman e. nagkakamali din. basta wag na lng mauulit."

basta wag na mauulit. that i have to bear in mind. that i have to carry all throughout my working days here.

and like i said, despite every downs, it's still a merry, merry Christmas!!! cheers!

09176637754, i miss you

i've so always prided myself for being able to maintain ONE celphone number eversince i got hold of my first cp. and it was like 7 or 8 years ago. and only a few can do that, imo. ung iba kase nawalan ng cp, nasnatch-an, nahold-up, nadukutan among others. at kasama na syempre ung sim nila dun.

i've lived my 7-8 years using the same number....come to memorize the easy numbers by heart and by soul. and i had not the slightest idea that on the night of dec 10, i would have to bid my saaad-bye to it. *deep sigh*

i lost a cp of myself for the very first time. stupid carelessness. i was saddened, of course. it's not about losing the phone itself actually coz it's not like the latest model after all, aside from the fact that i'd had it for like 2+ years (?) hence it's so high time to be replaced. not about the numbers stored there for i have the copy of the important ones in my chikka. not about the pictures for i have also a copy of almost all of those in cd and hd. not even about the messages. then what the heck the panghihinayang is all about? it's the SIM, dude. the NUMBER!!! argh! nakasama ko, pinahalagahan and minahal ko ung number na un sa pito-o-walong taon ng buhay ko. yun yun eh! babaw ba?!?

anyways, now, i will have to love and memorize by heart and by soul again a new number which, by the way, is still unknown to me. i still haven't bought myself a new cp for i don't have yet a particular model that i desire. kainis kase! what i was planning to give myself this christmas is a digicam. a red sony t200. tagal kong nagcanvass, mabusising tumingin ng specs ng bawat digicam kase gusto ko, pag bibili ako ng isang bagay that really costs some deal of money, e gusto ko yung magtatagal saken. yung hinde ko pagsasawaan at papalitan. yung tipong pwede ko ng makasama 'til its "non-functioning" time...'til its last click. yung tipong laspag na, di na ma-ON ever unless na nga lng na may mangyaring inevitable circumstances na malalayo/mawawala yun saken. ganyan ako ka-metikulosa bumili ng isang mahalaga and may halagang bagay. so malamang sa pagpili ng cp, e ganun din. not unless i settle for something na "pwede na," which i think will most likely to happen. kase di naman talaga bagong cp ang dinedesire ko this christmas kundi isang digicam. isang red sony t200 na digicam.

oh well, siguro the best way to end this post is to finally say these words:

"merry" christmas to me (in a gudlak-na-lng-saken tone) and bye-bye, 09176637754.

realization 101

"time doesn't make you forget. it just numbs the pain and blurs the memories until such time the pain fades away."

a writer once said that. simple saying and yet so true. yes, we will never forget our playmate who cheated us, the first time we slipped and the wound, our failed grade/s, the teacher who embarassed us, the loves that hurt us, the bosses we hate, our first failure. all those are etched in a part of our brain and yes, they still cross our minds once in a while. but don't we just find it amazing how those pains seem to not affect us now, even a bit, when back then we even wished that our own world would end?

time doesn't make us forget. it just numbs the pain blah-blah-blah...

wow. truly amazing.

(travel time just gives us time to think. and ponder. and above entry is a result of such.)

Emotional Equation on Christmas: Joy > Sadness

pasko na naman. and this season is known to bring utmost joy in our hearts. and to some, a little drama as well. in my previous blog, www.rojane.blogs.friendster.com, the sands of time part 1, i always mentioned the gladness christmas brings. now, though, i thought of posting the little drama it brings along too. not that i want to spoil the happiness of this season, of course i wouldn't dare! it's just that i would definitely sound very redundant if i post about this holiday's joys. again. hehe.

nakakalungkot lang kase isipin na may mga taong madrama talaga ang buhay lalo pag nalalapit na ang pasko e. at meron ding mga nagda-drama-dramahan lang naman. eto ung mga iba sa kanila...

1) yung mga taong nakatira sa ilalim ng tulay, or generally speaking, mga taong less fortunate. ung iba sa kanila e nalulungkot na kapag mgpapasko. kse sa mga okasyong ganito nila mas nararamdaman yung kakulangan ng mga bagay na wala o kulang sila: like the safety of a house, the warmth and comfort of a bed, delicious foods to feast over on noche buena, new clothes and shoes, etc. and i could almost hear them now uttering, "buti pa sila."

2) those who are crying over their just-departed loved ones. hugging the remnants of what the departed has left behind. clinging to the memories of the christmas past.

3) those who work abroad yearning to spend the holiday in their homeland. with their own family. and yet they just couldn't. the airfare, to some, costs them their annual, if not months', salary.

4) yung ibang mga single who spent almost their entire lifetime searching for a lifetime partner. na nangangarap pa rin na sana sa susunod na pasko e may partner na rin sila.

5) yung mga hiwalay ang pamilya na nangangarap na sana buo na lang sila to celebrate the holiday.

6) can't think of anything more at the moment :D

totoong drama man o nagda-drama-dramahan lang, drama pa ring maituturing. and i't's just nice to know that the joy the christmas brings is still enough to wash out all those kadramahans. kase to some, despite all the drama is still a happy heart singing christmas carols. despite all the drama is still a thankful soul knowing that a Jesus had come to save us. that despite all those, we still cannot ignore the fact na mas magaan pa rin ang feeling tuwing pasko compared to ordinary and normal days. the cold wind, the christmas lights and decors, the christmas songs, and of course the fact about Jesus and the salvation He offers, all of them combined, sila yung mga bagay na nakakapagpasaya and nagbibigay ngiti. kaya kahit may big or little dramas man, masaya pa rin ang pasko.

tuwing pasko, joy is always greater than sadness. yan ang equation lagi.....sa mga taong positibo ang tingin sa buhay, kahit sa anong sitwasyon man sila ilagay. guess it just all boils down to our own perspective...to how we look at things.

merry christmas to all!!! :D

balat-kalabaw sila

so i'm now wearing my office blazers (for the very first time), got a pair of hand gloves on my hands, & i'm wearing socks and shoes. all-covered, in short. and yet, why do i feel soooo cold still?!?! coz it's near freezin' here! and i just wonder why some people just keep on asking to turn up the AC? may mga tao lang siguro talagang balat-kalabaw sa opisinang 'to. hay.

You never let me go...through it all

aren't we uber lucky that we have a god who is always - and i mean really ALWAYS, like every minute and every second of the day - there? na isang tawag lang naten and andun na Siya agad?....never busy, never cannot be reached, never out for a call. that the time and love He gives and has for us aren't based on how much time and love we give to Him? that even when we sometimes blame Him for the pains that we feel, He's still right there ready to lend an ear, extend a hand, and even cry with us? i guess what i'm just trying to say is that we are so blessed that the god we have is the God that He is.

here's our church's theme song for the month. for all He's done to and for us, we can never love Him too much and we can never pay the price. and this song, He's actually more than deserving.
-----------------------------
THROUGH IT ALL

You are forever in my heart
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me to the promised land.

And I walk to You
And I wait on You.

I'll sing to You, Lord, a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
YOU NEVER LET ME GO
THROUGH IT ALL.

Hallelujah....hallelujah
Hallelujah....hallelujah.
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wallowing in a pathetic thought

i didn't really mean much. and if i did, it's just because the tire was flat and i was only the spare. ONLY a spare. and i will have to always remind myself of that. even if it leads to feeling neglected. or used. because it's the pathetic truth. pathetic, yet still the truth. and yet, it is a lesson that will come in handy, IF in the future i will have to cross the same road again.