Every Now and Then

I think that the worst is through 
I'm almost over you 
I guess it was just a matter of time 
I've started going out 
How long can anybody go without 
Before you start goin' out of your mind 
Even so, I confess 
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MY HEART RULES OVER MY HEAD

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then 

Morning's the hardest time 
I wake up dreamin' 'bout you and I 
Some days I can't remember them all 
Evenings are painful still 
I can't help wondering if they always 
will be 
I can't help noticing this emptiness- 
baby 
I don't cry, every night 
Just the ones when I feel like I feel tonight 

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then 

When I'm alone anytime I hear music play 
When I reach, reach for the phone 
Why does everything good 
Make me think of you baby 

Every now and then 
I find myself wondering about you baby 
Seems now and again 
I can't escape the thought of all that 
might have been 
Every now and then

Paradox

Sa pagpikit nitong mga mata ko lang kita nakikita.  Doon lang.  Hanggang doon lang nga ba talaga?

A quest for that one truth in a world of lies

I was safe in the harbour, enjoying the peace and quiet, until the waves started calling me.  I listened intently, everyday, to the waves singing tunes that were sweet to the ears.  Songs I yearned to hear.  I listened, oblivious of the fact that I was falling in love with the sound of it.  So I drew nearer and nearer to the waves, bare feet kissing the foam and loving its feel.  So I kept walking towards it with the water turning ankle-deep, then knee-deep, waist...on and on I went.  It was when the waters had reached my neck and the waves had started to choke me that I came to my senses and remembered one thing - I didn't know how to swim.  Fear encompassed me.  But I LOVE THE WATER so I tried to stay, despite the struggles and all.  Until that time I became tired staying afloat.  One can only take so much.  The waves nearly drowned me.  The struggles became harder and harder each day I had to go away.  To free myself.  The waves withdrew, too.  I took a step or two backwards, 'coz I had to, each day,  'til I was back in the safe harbour.  The love for the water is still there, yet no matter the love, I couldn't stay in the water forever.   

So I just look at the water and the waves, I guess there are things that you should love just from afar.  

October 27, 2017

Yet again

Oh, the journey that seems forever to take.  Will I ever reach the end of the road which is also the beginning of a new one?  In this lifetime?

Jaded

What is love, really?

One moment it takes you to Cloud 9, to dreamworld, to the highest of highs, to the heavens, and before you know it, it starts hurting you like hell....that you begin to ask yourself, is it worth having after all?

Lucky are those who found true love and kept it.  By saying that, I don't mean that everything's perfect--that there are no arguments, no misunderstandings, no hurts, no pains, no bad days.  But perfect love surpasses all.  Only love can be perfect.  Not the persons, not the circumstances.

I used to believe in forever.  Just forever.  And then life opens your eyes to the kind of love the majority of the real world has--unexclusive; shared for those taken, even "knotted".  And suddenly, forever's not just enough.  So you elevate your thinking and finally settled for "happily ever after".  'Coz not all taken are happy.  Not all married are happy.  Not all forevers are happy.

So what is love, really?

For Christians like me, love is described best in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And then I think, apart from the love of God for us, can anyone be capable of giving such kind?  Can a mortal love you like that?  Or can you?  Maybe to some, yes.  But me?  Aaaaah....

And then I go back to what I used to think--that (I guess) love isn't meant for me just as I am not meant for love.  That's love.  For me.

Helpless

You know the feeling of letting go of a feeling that shouldn't be?  It's like freeing a beautiful bird and watching it fly--when deep down inside, all you wanna do is to keep it.

Somewhere Out There

Came across this verse upon last night's ODB (Our Daily Bread) reading - an answer to an underlying question that's been haunting someone for decades.

Habakkuk 2:3 KJV
[3] For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

While this song brought with it hope...

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale moonlight,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
That we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how cery far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star,
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky!

Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then we'll be together,
Somewhere out there,
Out where dreams come true...

FIX ME

Can you fix someone when you're broken, too?

FIX YOU by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

*Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

(Repeat *)

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

(Repeat *)

thoughts on the last hump day of May 2012

realized just now that doing this thing is like climbing a "palosebo" - getting the flag isn't easy.  either the pole is too high or i'm just not efficient.  but other people can do it.  so maybe it's the latter.  i dunnoh.  i dunnoh anymore.  all i know is that i'm tired of trying. :(

musings

if i were to go back in time and have to re-live my life, there are two things i would have done.  first is i would choose "wolverine" instead of "alpha".  maybe i'd be living now the life i've been dreaming of lately - a family of my own in the land down under, safe and secure with him.  second is i would pursue my degree as my career.  then i would still be in the IT world but not as a buyer or an account manager, but as a developer or a systems analyst.  or siguro kahit yung number 1 lang magawa ko e masaya na ko.  okay na ko.  

tama nga talaga.  your choices at the present define your future.  and if only i'd chosen so well.  well, maybe i'll just have to accept the present as it is and take comfort in the fact that there's really a reason for everything.  i just hope and pray to God that where i am now is still the path He wants me to take.  i'm taking comfort in the fact that as a child of God, He will never let me go astray, that wherever this road is going or however this road will end, it will still lead me to His perfect plan.

but in spite of all that, still i can't help but to wonder what life would have been like had i done things differently.  i had let go of someone so special...the one whom anybody could refer to as "the one that got away."  yeah, he could have been the one.

now i'm faced squarely with the reality that whatever happens to your life, be it good or bad, is because of the choices we made.  we can never, EVER, point a finger to anyone or anything, even fate, but our own selves.  fate just throws us options but it is still us who decide.

now i just pray to God that He give me wisdom in decision-making...'coz obviously, it's not just a low score i get to get in that subject, but a failed grade. :(

Lovin' BORA.....the second time around

it was ages since i last checked on my multiply account.  i opened it a while ago just so i could send a message to someone via multiply.  message sent.  but then i got curious on what my posts were that time, or should i say, pictures.  so i did a li'l browsing.  and that little browsing paved way to cherishing my past.  this is what i liked best on keeping an online journal, or even an online album - you won't have a hard time taking a peek at your past.  just one click and you're good!  that's why i hated, abhorred, despised (and all hate words you could think of) the friendster for wiping out my past since May 2005 to September 2007 by deleting friendster blogs!  huhuhuhuhu.  anyway, enough of that.

i'll take you this time to 2008.  the time i revisited the ever-famous bora.  but lemme correct what i had written there.  it's 2003 and not 2002 that we first visited the place.  click the link below.  have fun!


Lovin' Bora the second time around

p.s. hmmmm....maybe i should maximize the use of my multiply account again.  i remember signing up in there 'coz it's the best way to keep photos and the easiest way to upload pics.  yeah, from now, i'll upload all my travel pics there.  stay tuned!  :)

Sleepless not in Seattle, but in Antipolo

random thoughts -- my late-night visitors.

nights these past couple of months, i can say, were nightmares.  the more i try hard to sleep, the more i stay awake.  the more i push the thoughts away, the more they come rushing in.  just random thoughts about the future from tomorrow to 2 or so years from now, about the past from yesterday all the way down to childhood, about the present from 45 minutes past midnight to 46 minutes to 47 and so on.  i've thought of just about everything!  from thoughts about what i wrote on a slumbook when i was a first-grader to thoughts about the job interview that is still yet to happen.  from thoughts about the persons that had come and gone in my life to thoughts of the mistakes and the lessons learned.  from thoughts of dreaming and succeeding to thoughts of future conversations to thoughts that happened to thoughts that should've happened and to thoughts that didn't even happen!  tell me something and maybe i had thought of it, too!  haha!  imagine that?!?!?

i just dunnoh why my mind functions so fast at a time when it should be resting.  a couple of my relatives advised me to take iron supplement 'coz most prolly i got a low blood.  "low bloods" have a hard time sleeping.  or so they say.  alright, so maybe a low-blood zombie i am.  what the heck!  and suddenly a thought struck me.  i was anemic, or maybe still am.  and if that anemia will worsen to leukemia, and the latter will turn into death, then maybe i'll finally have the good night's sleep that i've been deprived of for weeks!  morbid thought, ain't it?  told you, thoughts just continue to rush in, even morbid thoughts.  bull.

oh, Lord, pls. make me sleep now.  i wanna sleep.  i need to.
ha!  those are my most often-used words lately.

so there.  my late-night status on Jan. 22, that turned 23 just a few minutes after.

While You Were Sleeping

"i planned to marry peter, but married jack instead. thank goodness my father was right. life doesn't always turn out the way you plan.
.......
Peter once asked me when i fell in love with jack. and i told him, "it was while you were sleeping."

if you were able to watch the movie "While You Were Sleeping," you know what the above quote is all about. haaaay. nice lines from nice love stories. i love quoting them all.

often, we want the kind of life we dreamed it to be, like what career we want to pursue or, just like in the movie, who we want to spend the rest of our life with. but sometimes, something happens just in between....and out of the way. and sometimes, we end up being more grateful that "life doesn't always turn out the way we plan."

i remember what i had read in ODB. the stagecoach story. there's this kid who fervently asked his mom for this particular stagecoach for a Christmas gift. he threw tantrums and begged more like a normal kid does until his mom said, "uhmmmm, let's see." he knew then that he'd get what he wants. so come Christmas. he opened his gift and was confident of what he's going to find inside. sure enough, the stagecoach that he'd asked for came into view. he was sooo happy until his brother told him, "asking for THAT stagecoach was the dumbest thing you did. mom actually bought you a bigger one but since you heartily asked for that, she exchanged the bigger stagecoach for that smaller one." and his happiness fades.

too bad that most of the time, what we think is best for us isn't really what's best. there's something better than the best we have in mind. we thank God for answering our prayers with a YES, but there are times too, that we also have to thank Him for the UNANSWERED ones.  after all, He's the one who knows best.

allow me to share to you certain lines from one of my favorite Christian songs.

"God is too wise to be mistaken

 God is too good to be unkind

 So when you don't understand

 When you don't see His plan

 When you can't trace His hand

 TRUST HIS HEART"

He loves us so much He just wants the best for us.  All we have to do is trust His heart.  Ain't that cool?

meet my new baby -- nikki

dec. 19, 2011. that's the date i got Nikki. and boy, is she so gorgeous! there's something about her that made me finally decide to buy her -- her color. i had been planning to buy an SLR since a long time ago but it always got postponed....until i saw her -- Nikon D3100 RED.

red color never fails to attract me. most especially if it's combined with black. my phone, named Ozy, and my guitar, named Alexis, are black-and-red combi as well. red and black - i'm just a big fan of that duo. so when i saw Nikki, i fell in love with it at first sight, the same feeling i felt with Ozy and Alexis. some say that Nikki's color doesn't look pro. who cares? after all, i'm really not a pro. and having a pro cam doesn't make one a pro either, so why bother?
so to cut the long intro short, i present to you, my new baby, Nikki. :) included also are my other two babies of the same color, Ozy and Alexis. ♥

"Happiness is anyone and anything at all....that's loved by you!"

P-A-S-T Fever

(a September 19, 2005 post from my now-defunct friendster blog, Innermost Thoughts)

If I were to re-live the past, I'd start on the day some time in between of Nov and Dec in 1999. Things could've been better OR could've been worse. Well, I just think it would be worth taking the risk. But who am I to tell?

Of course I know I can't turn back the time and that I have to deal with reality here (that's what life requires me to)... & not with those good ole movies where they have time machines, genies in a bottle, fairy godmothers or an aero car that takes you back to the future. Not to mention Ina Magenta's and Faye's.

Yes, we all have to deal with reality no matter how badly we want a certain dream/fantasy or whatever you call it. Sadly. & now, the reality is the present. & all that I can and have to do is to live and deal with it. "Oh, jing, can you just please forget the regrets of the past?" the inner voice within me says and in addition to that, "Real life doesn't include those magic. In lieu of that, there are the hopes, the prayers, the faith that go along with reality." Okay then. Maybe I'll just try to see where those 3 will lead me.

• There's a song that says, "Some good things never last." But I never heard a song that implies, if not says, "Some good things don't happen merely because they aren't just meant to happen." Another song to add to the long list of break-up songs. So, any composers out there?
• They say everything happens for a reason. Can somebody tell me then the reason why such is such?
• Sometimes there are just questions best left unasked. For NO ONE can provide you the answers though every inch of your soul tells you that there MUST be a reason.
• I really believe that for every question, there IS an answer. There MUST be. We should just dig in deeper and a little deeper and a little deeper until you find the answers just as miners do to find gold mines.
• Further digging and pondering and I've concluded that maybe some reasons are not revealed 'coz they are just too great and too incomprehensible for a human mind to absorb. Better answer: Maybe, just maybe, good things don't sometimes last because there are better things yet to happen that's in store...gifts just waiting to be opened...or PERHAPS love just waiting to unfold...or could be just any thing else...(Bat ba naman kase walang emoticons dito sa blog eh???!!?!)

------------------------------------------END----------------------------------------

Nov. 2, 2011. Oh, boy! Those were some serious thoughts! Did I really write that? Haha! And it sounds like I was really talking to myself there when I wrote it. My golly! Doing nothing at work, 9 hrs a day, really makes you think of things you wouldn't be able to think of on a normal day. All I could ever and must do that time at the office was to look busy and so my mind wandered to wherever-part-of-the-world. Haha!

"isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

(below is a clip from my "Present State" post dated Aug. 23, 2005 from my now-defunct friendster blog, Innermost Thoughts)

"had lost 6 lbs the past month. but already gained the 2 lbs. 4 more lbs to go. funny how i am surrounded with people desperate to lose weight while here i am trying to gain the pounds others would be so happy to lose!!! oh yeah. that's just how life goes!"

now, fast-forward to Oct. 29, 2011. being reminded of my old state makes me smile. i was just 94 lbs that time for i lost 6 lbs 'coz i got sick. 94 lbs!!! i can't believe it! i was sooo skinny then that i always included this line in my prayer before meal -- Lord, sana po magpataba po 'to sa katawan ko. haha! imagine that??? and now, i'm trying my very hard to NOT gain another pound. it's a SIN!!! haha! in 2005, NEVER have i ever imagined myself wanting to lose weight. the "diet" and "exercise" words were so alien to me. now, every big food intake is equivalent to 10-20 minute exercise. life couldn't be more ironic, eh?

yeah, i am not fat but 110-112 lbs is my ideal weight. it's the maximum so i must maintain that level. it's okay if i lose some more lbs but to gain even a pound is, as i had said, a sin. so there. that's my present state now. :D

An Hour of a Wonderful Journey

(a July 4, 2006 post from my now-defunct friendster blog, Innermost Thoughts)

Last night, I was searching for some quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson, Mark Twain & others that I had written in one of my journals. Little did I know that my searching would take me to a journey to the past.

I was flipping through the pages of my diary, looking for the quotes. I was not able to find them. What I found instead is myself caught up in a different time. I stumbled across the baduy poems that I made during college days...the "basketball court" times in my latter years in college and even after I graduated...the texts (forwarded and personal) that I had jotted down which I would like myself to be reminded of in the future (which happened to be last night)...all the places that I'd been, who I was with, the little acts and feelings of the moment -- from the mundane little details of everyday life to the wonderful, unforgettable moments. I was flipping through the pages, just skimming the notes. smiling time and again for the past troubles, downfalls and pains and smiling even more for the PRICELESS moments. Flipping, skimming, smiling. Now stretch that out to 1 hour.

It is indeed nice to be reminded of your past once in a while. But as what they say, all things come to an end. The journey lasted for an hour. I knew I had to end it when my face became quite itchy of the dust my old diaries possess (haha!) and when my head felt quite dizzy being deprived of an early rest. So I closed my diaries and sealed the journey with one sigh. And one smile.

I was only looking for the quotes but I found fond memories instead. I was only looking for the quotes but the vague memories of the past became vivid all of a sudden. I was only looking for the quotes and the past came dancing alive in front of my very eyes. I was only looking for the quotes...... Deeeeep sigh. One smile.

And lying on my bed, getting the sleep that I need, another hour was spent though for the aftermath...the "hang-over." I was half-asleep. Or maybe was half-awake. Half-unconscious. Or maybe half-conscious. Whichever. Thoughts came rushing in. The ramblings and all. The past...they are but just words now written on a diary...one smile...the ramblings again...the past...they are but just plain memories now stored in the memory bin...one sigh...one smile...more ramblings...the past...now they were just a history...one deep sigh...one smile...the ramblings again. Tomorrow would be another day. A part of the future I have yet to live. Ramblings...ramblings...ramblings. It was then I finally dozed off.

RIP, my dearest friendster blog :(

you know the feeling of losing something that had become a part of you? sad, ain't it? and that's how i felt before when i first learned that friendster would be doin' a major modification. and it's not about losing my profile and pictures there that saddened me but about losing my first-ever blog. :'(

i heard about blogging in 2004 but tried the thing in 2005 and so www.rojane.blog.friendster.com was born. i can still clearly remember my first trial post. BROKE was the title. haha! what a way to start a blog! hahaha! oh, well. i was a neophyte in blogging then so, pardon me. ☻ and from that first entry, i knew i found a friend. a friend who's gonna take in ALL my rants, my stories, my innermost thoughts. without a single complain. so yeah, Innermost Thoughts had been the title of my first blog.

hay. it's really saddening, you know. i've typed almost all my 2+ years of my life and thoughts there so i can look back and have a glimpse of the past whenever i wish to. and then suddenly it's gone! huhu. and it's all because of that stupid, sh*tty, crappy makeover!!! so what had been my first entry was exactly the way my blog had ended. BROKE. the online link to my past was broken. but......

thanks to Solite i was able to print ALL my entries! haha! to those clueless about Solite, it's the company i worked at for 2+ years (from 2004). and man, i tell you! i did nothing there but to blog! aside from pretending to work. ☺ 'coz with the amount of work i had there, it felt like i got no work at all! so we, Solite girls, resorted to just do our own things to while away time. and i ended up strumming the keyboard, pouring out my thoughts of the moment.

going back, yeah, thanks to Solite i have hard copies of my first online diary! :P so what i have right now in mind is to little by little put my past here in blogger. what would be the essence of my blog title tagline, "this is my heart, my soul, my life. this is me," if i won't include the me before? after all, our pasts play a major part of who we are today, right? and yeah, i still want to re-read online not just my old thoughts, but also the innermost of it. ☻

so if you'll see a note at the beginning of my succeeding posts that the entry is from my friendster blog, you know what it means -- it's a glimpse of the past. ;-)

still a LOT to do

i love traveling. you get to visit beautiful places that you don't get to see in your everyday life. you get to taste food that are local and native to the place. you get to learn about different culture and the kind of people living in the place - how they speak, what they do, their interests, etc.

i have a mental list of places i want to go to. and if only i have lotsa money to finance this desire! oh, brother! isn't it frustrating to not do whatever you just wanna do 'coz you don't have enough resources? they say money can't buy happiness. whoever first said that must've been a rich, grumpy ole man lying on his bed with dextrose running thru his hands just waiting for his final breath. joke. :D i mean, maybe yeah, money can't buy ALL the happiness in the world but it can actually buy some. :D like if your happiness is as costly as having a mansion in an elite society, or may it be as cheap as a scoop of ice cream, money is still needed to buy those. get what i mean? so what money cannot buy are just those happiness that don't have a market value like having a good night sleep, a big appetite, one great love, good health, so on and so forth. so what i'm just trying to say is that, money can actually buy you happiness, though not all.

anyway, back to my desire to travel, maybe i'm just quite alarmed now that i still haven't gotten to the places i want to visit here in Au. and my 1 month has already passed. so i still have 2 more months to roam this place, so that means i only have 8 Saturdays left! 8 Saturdays 'coz you see, apart from malls and parks, i can only visit places on Saturdays, that is, if i want my sister and her family as my companions. and golly, i still have this list:

1) lone pine sanctuary
2) Gold Coast
3) Sunshine Coast
4) Movie World
5) Wet 'n Wild
6) Sea World
7) Southbanks
8) Sydney

also, i wanna try to experience riding on their train, their bus and their ferry, explore brisbane city and take a lot of pictures. so maybe i have to do some things by myself. anyway, i find it exciting traveling alone in a foreign place and i wanna experience that. but yeah, you know, the desire is there. it is just the courage that i still don't have now. haha. 'coz exciting it may seem, it can be pretty fearsome, too! like getting lost, getting caught for i don't know what reason...things like that. i really have this very low sense of direction, you know. so getting lost in a foreign place is quite likely. hehe. but i have to be positive. maybe i'll just bring TomTom with me. 'coz with IT, there's no way i'd be lost! haha! oh yes, you read it right, it's IT. and to those of you who don't know tomtom, here it is.

TomTom is a GPS navigation unit. it shows you exactly where you are and leads you to where you wanna go. as in in full details! what street you should cross, what time you'll get to your destination, the speed required, etc. it even alarms you if you're over-speeding! my only problem with TomTom is that, i think it doesn't work for commuters! haha!

anyway, i just wish myself and my list good luck!

Welcome to the World, Baby Julian! ♥

after 9 months, finally! baby julian's out! yipeeee!!! jazel's due was on sept 27 and julian made his way out to the world on the 29th. and boy, is he so cute!!! jazel and jovil were blessed with yet again another cutie little boy.

lemme take note of the major details of my second nephew.

born on sept. 29, 2011, 4:48PM (Au time) at Wesley Hospital, weighing 2.98kg with length of 47cm, baby julian was very much welcomed to the world!




and oh, he is such a crybaby! especially in his first days! every time he wakes up, he cries. every move, he cries. every sound, he cries. but thank God that as days pass, the cries are gradually ebbing. now, he just cries when he is, of course, hungry!!! hehe.

allow me to end this post by singing this song....

♪♫ May the good Lord bless and keep you
La-la-la-la-la-la-laaaah ♫♪